Since when does Jake Gyllenhaal look like a huge douchebag?

August 12, 2008 at 4:25 am 2 comments

Nothing I write before posting the first picture of Jake Gyllenhaal as the Prince of Persia in the upcoming movie… “The Prince of Persia” will pull in readers any more than my very accurate headline. So I might as well cut this suspense crap and just copy n’ paste the damn thing already. But be warned: the douchebaggery you’re about to see may may be too much for readers that are faint of heart, especially those of which are or have been Gyllenhaal fans before this:

“Which way to the Creed concert, brah?”

Ok. I may have been a little harsh back there, but I’m really not happy that this movie is happening. One, Gyllenhaal is a really good actor, a guy who is above these big-budget franchise-type flicks with big explosions and bad puns and weak plot lines. This is Donnie Darko, the Scene Kid messiah, and now look at what he’s so shamelessly reduced to — a bad-wig-wearing idiot with a handkerchief tied around his waste. With the budget that this movie has, could they have at least hired a semi-competent costume designer? Has this turned into a rant yet? Just wait:

Secondly, I want to take some time here to address a fad that I really want to die as quickly as possible, which should be quite soon seeing how not many of these flicks have been blockbuster. That fad is, of course, the video game adaptation.

Let’s have a quick rundown of some of the video game movies of yesteryear: “Doom,” starring The Rock. Lame. Anything by Uwe Boll — all of which make me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Lame. That one Mario Bros. movie. SUPER lame. “Hitman,” “Resident Evil,” “Silent Hill” and on and on and on — they all suck huge amounts of balls.

The only movies which I’ll admit to being OK, and the only ones which were big hits were the two Angelina Jolie-fueled “Tomb Raider” movies. Then again, those movies could have been absolutely terrible, but it’s still fun to watch Jolie kick loads of butt for 90 straight minutes.

Here’s the problem — no matter how badly the Hollywood Machine may want to force a video game into a nice and bankable silver screen translation, the transition from PlayStation 3 to MoviePlex will never be a smooth one. Books, television shows, people’s lives and experiences, these are things that can be accurately translated to film because they have more rigid structure; all the director has to do is follow the story line set up before it. Sure, my vision of how a “Harry Potter” movie can differ greatly from the actual director’s, but I can at least see where he’s coming from, because we both read the same book and had roughly the same experience in doing so.

But with a video game, my playing experience could be vastly different from yours — You could have unlocked secret rooms and missions and fought the bosses with a whole different strategy. You could pay much more attention to the plot or just decide to go around and kick ass. You could play the game or, like “Grand Theft Auto 4,” just go around and blow shit up to see the slow-motion death scenes. My point is, a video game is what you make it, because you have complete control to manipulate the outcome. Most games, in all honesty, have really, and I mean really, dumb plots. Does it matter when you’re busting shit up with your latest laser gun upgrade? No. Does it matter when Gyllenhaal is shootin’ ’em up with said laser gun, and all you get to do is shit back and watch this trainwreck in front of you, while all the plot holes and general stupidity of the story arc become glaringly obvious to you and everyone else watching the movie? Yes. It matters a great deal.

Video game movies take all the fun and great things about games out of the equation, leaving all of the really ridiculous remnants to fill the screen for whatever the excruciating run time happens to be. Ugh, please stop making these.


Entry filed under: Video Game Movies. Tags: , , .

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2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Gilbert Snuffleupagus  |  August 12, 2008 at 10:18 am

    You’re jealous of his chest hair.

  • 2. hi  |  August 12, 2008 at 10:20 am

    i thought you didn’t like Angelina Jolie – so why did you like the Tomb Raider movies?

    it doesn’t surprise me that Jake Gyllenhaal is doing one of these films. He reminds me of Tobey Maguire…they’re both sort of boring, in my opinion.


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